The Biermanns are taking their annual spring break trip to Destin, Flordia! After opening the "f***ing gate" for little KJ, who must have learned that word from his older sisters and certainly not mommy, planning for the vacation begins. Kim's excited to go to Destin, pointing out that this might be the last time the family vacays there. Once the twins get a little older, they'll be jetting off for family vacations south of the border - Mexican baby organ trade be damned. Last year, driving in an RV took the crew 13 hours, so Kim and Kroy are bound and determined to travel lighter and quicker this year. Logistics, however, are getting in the way of the plan. The biggest issue? Transporting Kim's wigs, which are all styled and ready to hit the beach.
If Kim had her way, each wig would be on its mannequin head, strapped into an individual seat. Kroy points out that with three cars to transport a chef, six kids, Ariana's friend and Brielle's boyfriend Slade, giving each wig its own seat is impossible. Kim's solution? Leave a kid behind, duh. One kid stays and all the wigs go. Problem solved. Kroy's more humane solution involves renting a small U-Haul trailer to tow all their belongings. Kim, however, isn't a fan of the idea because U-Hauls slow you down and "look trashy."
Once the circus is packed up with all the Louis Vuitton luggage, the Biermann caravan is on the road to Destin. On top of packing and getting the kids in the car, Kroy is waiting any minute for the call from his agent telling him where he's been drafted to play for the next season. As they pull out of the driveway, the questions of "are we there yet" and onslaught of selfies immediately start in all three vehicles. It's going to be a long drive. In their interview, Kim and Kroy explain that, while Slade is being allowed on the trip, he'll be sleeping on a completely separate floor than Brielle. Spring break is not an excuse for any getting it on under the Biermann roof. Slade is 100% on board with this rule - with Kroy having 100 pounds on him, Slade does what Daddy Biermann says, when he says. Kroy's agent finally calls on the way to Destin and the deal is done. The only question left is when to tell the kids.
After nine hours of driving, the whole family arrives in Destin around 10 p.m. Kim's rented a new beach house this year due to the paparazzi debacle last season, and it's gorgeous - seven bedrooms, nine bathrooms, beachfront views. With babies screaming, the fighting over rooms commences with both Brielle and Ariana wanting one of the master suites. As I watch the sisters pull each other's shirts and attempt to push the other down the stairs, I can't help but think that they're still behaving better than Ramona Singer would be in the same situation...With the boys running around, Brielle and Ariana arguing and Kaia crying in the bath, Kim concludes that it's probably not the best time to bring the family together for Kroy's big news. When the no-fooling-around rule gets brought up again, Brielle announces it wouldn't matter either way because she's a virgin. Kim's not sure she believes that anymore, but Brielle insists she doesn't want to continue the family tradition of everyone having kids in their teens. After all, the chaos around them is good enough birth control to last her for the next ten years.
The next day, the family hits the beach while waiting for Shun the stylist to arrive. (Unfortunately, Kim forgot to factor in Shun's paralyzing fear of water when inviting her to a week at the beach.) In the middle of the battle for who can make the best sandcastle, Chef Tracey suggests she and Brielle get spring break tattoos. In her interview, Kim explains that Chef Tracey's tattoos are basically the worst. She's kind of right - a yellow smiley face, a piece of toast, a nymphomaniac in the gates of hell and a one-winged dove aren't exactly modern art, though I'm not sure where they'd rank compared to Brielle's idea to get "Destin Forever" inked across her forehead. Kim proposes a challenge - whatever she draws, Chef Tracey has to get tattooed once they get back to Atlanta. The chef gamely accepts the challenge and the family retreats back to the beach house to get their art skills on. After cycling through a penis and a unicorn, Chef Tracey settles on Kroy's artistic rendition of a leprechaun holding a frying pan and a knife.
Finally, Kim and Kroy are ready to tell everyone where he'll be playing next year. Calling an impromptu family meeting, the couple runs upstairs, coming back down with a snow shovel, beanie and lots of winter gear. Kroy tells the confused kids that he's found out where he'll be playing next year and they have to be ready to move in the next two weeks. Immediately, Brielle and Ariana start to put up a fight while throwing out guesses: Wisconsin? Montana? Alaska? Wherever it is, Brielle hates the cold, Ariana hates cheese and they're not going anywhere. (Never mind that neither Montana nor Alaska has an NFL team - even Kim knows that!) Chef Tracey points out that Kroy's wearing a new NFL hat; maybe that's the team he'll be playing for? Kroy teases the kids by slowly turning the hat around to reveal...an Atlanta Falcons logo! The family is staying in Atlanta for another year! Kroy is relieved, Kim's excited and the kids are finally at ease. Now it's time to celebrate.
For dinner, Kroy chooses a restaurant featuring a live alligator exhibit. Kim's none too pleased with the display of creepy, crawly reptiles, but when in Florida, right? During dinner, Brielle asks if they'll be coming back to Destin next year and Kim doesn't know the answer. Kroy only signed a one-year contract so they could be spring breaking in Yellowstone in a year's time. Speaking of years, Kim starts a game by asking everyone around the table where they think they'll be in five years. With Slade at her side, Brielle announces that she wants to be married with a kid on the way. She may not want to get pregnant as a teenager, but she wants to be a young mom like Kim!
The look of pure terror on Kim's face at this announcement is hilarious. She points out in her interview that Brielle can't even deal with a stubbed toe on her own, so how she'll handle being pregnant is a mystery. As the conversation moves on, Slade asks Brielle to give him a massage when they get back to the beach house, which Kim quickly and bluntly shuts down. There will be no massages given. Asking for a massage was how she ended up with Kane and Kaia. Dinner ends and the crew is ready to get back to Atlanta. The trip has been a bittersweet one - with all the changes going on, it's impossible to know whether this will be the Biermanns' last spring break in Destin. Saying goodbye to the sun, sand and water, it's time to go home. See you later, alligator!