Consider this the beginning of Bravo's Sunday night comedy hour with the pairing of Don't Be Tardy and Manzo'd with Children. Just so everyone knows, I'll be posting recaps of Don't Be Tardy every Monday (the morning after the episode) and recaps of Manzo'd every Thursday. I know that's a bit of a delay for the hijinks coming out of New Jersey, but considering that THG is a one-man show, it's what works best for my schedule. Plus, this way you'll be getting new content five days a week! And so...
The Biermanns are back for another season! I don't know about you, but unlike Housewives, which is often full of feuds, catfights and huge helpings of drama (often served at dinner parties), I watch Don't Be Tardy to laugh. Everything Kim does is hilarious to me, whether she's figuring out how to bring all of her purses in a hypothetical move or praying to St. Anthony to find her broken nail. Watching her spinoff is a nice change of pace and I suspect writing about it will be as well. Kim's life has become the dream she always wanted. The "ask, believe and receive" mantra she lives by has worked: seven years after we met her on RHOA, she has a gorgeous husband, six kids and a very full life. However, big changes could be in store for the family. After being injured last season, Kroy is a free agent this year, which means the family could potentially leave Atlanta and relocate for him to play for another team in the NFL.
The premiere starts out with the family preparing a celebratory meal for 13-year-old Arianna earning straight A's. Three-year-old KJ is helping the family's chef, Tracey, in the kitchen while Kim offhandedly asks Kroy if they can have just one more baby. The answer to that is an unflinching "no". Kim claims that if the family had to move, book-smart Ariana is the child she'd be least worried about, and that with the grades she's getting Ariana could get into virtually any college she wanted. However, Ariana tells her mom that she wants to stay in Georgia and go to UGA. Brielle on the other hand has managed to make her high school's top ten list of students who've missed the most class. Do schools really put out lists like that? In her interview together, Brielle explains that it wouldn't matter to her mom if the family moved, since her life revolves around Kroy but the girls would be leaving their entire lives behind. Back in the family discussion, the sisters start arguing over who the potential move would be more difficult for, but Kim wisely points out that moving the family circus would really be hardest on her. However, having been 13 when my parents moved our family to a different state, I side with Ariana on this one. Moving to a new place and making all new friends isn't the easiest thing to do as a new teenager. However, Kim believes that you always end up where you need to be in your life, and the secret is all about asking, believing and receiving. After all, change is good, right?
Meanwhile, Brielle has been dating her boyfriend Slade for the last year. In the Housewives universe, the name Slade is a bit of a red flag when it comes to boyfriend material, but according to Kim, he's perfect for Brielle on paper. He even transferred schools to be closer to her in Atlanta. Kim describes the two as a miniature version of her and Kroy, while Brielle says Slade is simply her in boy form. However, the couple aren't the sharpest crayons in the box. On a drive in Slade's super-lifted pickup truck, they openly wonder whether trees can communicate with each other and Brielle questions the difference between crab cake and carrot cake. I mean, they're both orange-red, right? How different could they possibly be? I think the tree situation is a more valid question, but Kim says her oldest isn't ready to be an adult yet and hopefully never is.
Brielle's 18th birthday just so happens to coincide with the NFL free agency, which is something Kim hadn't thought about. If Kroy moves to another team, would Brielle even come with the family? Kroy argues that an 18-year-old doesn't want anything to do with his or her parents, but Kim doesn't understand why Brielle wouldn't want to live with them forever. They're such cool parents, right? A quick phone call to Brielle clears the matter up when she reminds her mom that she kind of has to go to college and will be living in the dorms. There will be no living in her parents' basement until she's 30 for Brielle.
Later, Kim's going over logistics with her new assistant Gloria, who used to be the twins' nanny but got promoted when Kim's longtime assistant Sweetie quit. Kim points out that Gloria has gotten more done in two months than Sweetie managed to do in a year, so the new job looks like an improvement. While compiling a to-do list for the potential move - including finding a seven-bedroom house, registering Ariana in a new school and finding a therapist for Kim if Brielle stays behind - Kim explains that Kroy's gotten a few offers from other teams but the situation is one giant waiting game. Also on the list is getting the family's two new Pomeranians, Jet and Turbo, fixed. Though the puppies purportedly came from a championship bloodline, they each have their own set of problems, with Jet's red penis constantly hanging out and Turbo only having one testicle. Tracey the chef offers to take care of the latter problem. Since her mom was a dog groomer, she grew up watching her "suck balls out of dogs all the time." Please don't let this be something we have to see on camera...
The next day, Kim's stylist Shun drops by to bring her some new clothes. So, rather than figure out what to get rid of, Kim can add more to her $2 million-insured closet, which sounds basically like a dream. While shopping from the comfort of her couch, Kim also announces that her new boobs look so good that she's planning a largely bra-less wardrobe for the year, so get ready to see some nipple. The conversation turns back to the potential move and Kim says in her interview that, with Brielle's birthday fast approaching, she's struggling with the concept of her kids growing up. She explains that she's been a mom since she was 19 years old and it's what she considers her best characteristic in life. In fact, she moved out of her parents' house when she was pregnant with Brielle. Taking such an uncertain step was scary at the time, but Kim got her CNA license and worked for $14 an hour to make ends meet. And of course, it comes as no surprise that Kim insisted on being a "sexy nurse" with her ta-ta's on display, even while pregnant.
By the premiere's end, Kim's still stressing over being potentially separated from Brielle. As the family lays out and swims in the pool, Kim explains that she wants her kids to live with her forever. Just because Brielle's graduating from high school doesn't mean she gets kicked to the curb. After all, she has no job and no money and the family sticks together. That's the deal. Kim claims she hasn't had time to process the thought of Brielle leaving, but Kroy hilariously counters that she's had the past 18 years to process it. In Kim's perfect world, Brielle can stay with them and do college online. She can be an independent adult while living above the garage. In her interview, Brielle goes one step further, saying that her mom's future for her involves putting a house in the backyard and living there for the rest of her life. In the pool, Kroy tries to explain to Kim that Brielle has to start creating her own life. That's what you do when you're 18. Brielle bluntly says she's not moving anywhere the family goes, but Kim needs someone to explain to her how to just let go. As a mom, the idea of letting go simply does not compute.
With that, the premiere is over! I'm excited to write about the adventures of Kim, Kroy and the crew this season, and I hope you enjoy reading along!