It's been a hilarious season for the Biermann bunch, but we've sadly reached the finale. In fact, I'm so dedicated to this last recap that I had to BUY the episode on iTunes because I missed it. And for some reason that even Kim doesn't know, Bravo chose not to put any episodes from the season online.
The finale opens with Kroy helping KJ and Kash build the pirate ship kite of every little boy's dreams. #DaddyoftheYear, anyone? As he's assembling the kite, Kroy explains to his oldest son that he has to go away to training camp for the Falcons soon and officially bestows the responsibility of being man of the house on the four-year-old. Kroy shouldn't even worry though because KJ's got it covered. He's all ready to order Kash into the bath and lock Brielle in her room with a chain on the door for the rest of the week. Sounds like KJ has the right idea. Also, why haven't we had more interviews with him and Kash all season? Because these soundbytes he's giving while Kash sits silently by are beyond adorable.
Kim explains via confessional that there's more than a little going on with Brielle and Slade these days, so she's taking them to their first psychic reading with Rose for a little future-telling. After all, Rose is who Kim turns to every time she needs answers or guidance, and Rose has been eerily accurate with her predictions. She told Kim that she'd marry someone younger (check), that it would happen quick (check) and that she would have a son first (also check). In fact, the 83-year-old has played such a huge role in Kim's life that she named Kaia Rose after her. Brielle is nervous though, and isn't quite so sure she wants to know what her future holds. Slade is anxious too, but Kim is very interested in what Rose is going to say.
The psychic sees three kids for Brielle - two girls and a boy and well as good money every month, a house, marriage and good fortune. Oh, and it's all going to happen in the next year. This last little detail leaves Kim stunned as she insists that Brielle won't be getting married on her dime. Slade goes next, and Rose says he has a good money line, which is important if he's planning on taking care of Princess Brielle. Rose also sees only one marriage in his future, with a timeline very similar to Brielle's. Oh great. Kim however, leaves the reading with more questions than answers. She's all about what Rose says but these two married in a year? C'mon.
The next morning, Kim goes outside to find the garage is a complete disaster. The Bentley and G-Wagen are covered in paw prints, claw marks are all over the doorframe and everything is covered in mud. This can only mean one thing: the possums are back. Chef Tracey comes out to see what's going on and volunteers to use her animal expertise to catch the possums. And how does Tracey intend to do that, Kim asks, but the chef is certain she knows how to do it. All they'll need is some deer urine to spray down the garage with and some crushed up hydrocodone to drug the vermin with. The last thing Kim needs is some looped out possums on her garage floor in the morning, but she just wants the animals gone. Legally. Is it against the law to roofie a possum though? Giving this job to Tracey is asking for trouble.
Kim takes a break from possum hunting to meet Shun at her favorite Mexican restaurant, where she even knows Pepe the bartender by name! Shun isn't so sure about the queso since it's not the color of the cheese at Taco Bell. The stylist loves fancy clothes, not fancy food, OK? Kim gives her a rundown of the trip to LA, saying that Brielle did amazing at E! and she's realized that if Brielle wants to go to LA, she has to let her. However, Brielle's relationship with Slade throws a giant wrench in this plan. Kim admits that she sees the lovebirds together for the long run (oops, there goes that prediction), and that if she could pick a guy for Brielle it would be Slade. He's like a mini Kroy, just not as smart. And Rose's predictions about the future have Kim wondering - the psychic's timing may be off, but everything she's predicted in the past has happened. Kim asks Shun if she would let Brielle move to LA by herself, and the answer is hell to the no. The girl would get lost on the very first day. No matter what Brielle chooses to do, Kim points out that she needs to get it together and make a decision.
The next day, Brielle is out lounging on the back patio, when Kim comes outside to deliver some bad news. She got a call from the people at E! and apparently you have to be in college in order to intern at the network. You know college, that thing Brielle decided not to apply to. So, Kim goes into planning mode and asks Brielle what she can do in the next year to get where she wants to be in the long term. Brielle points out that Rose said she'd be married in a year, so she'll be OK in that department. In her interview, Kim wisely asserts that Brielle has her entire life to get married. Why rush it? The bigger issue is that Brielle needs to learn to be an independent woman. What can the 18-year-old actually do on her own? According to Brielle, she can eat, swim and wipe her own behind. Congratulations Brielle, so can Kash and KJ. Kim gives her oldest a deadline: she has until the end of the summer to come up with a plan for the future. Whether that plan involves broadcasting school or a full-time job, Kim and Kroy are willing to help Brielle reach her dreams. They can't, however, make the decisions for her - she has to figure it out for herself.
The time has come for Kroy to leave for training camp for a month. It's a sad moment but I can't focus on anything that's being said because OMG KROY HAS A BEARD. I've basically died and gone to heaven because my favorite Househusband has literally never looked sexier. Do me now, please. He's not ready to go, but has no choice. After he wishes them luck on their possum hunting adventure, the family walks him out and waves goodbye as Kroy and his perfect beard drive off to training camp. When Kroy's gone, the house turns into complete chaos full of gum, Nerf guns and Christmas pajamas. Tracey walks into the kitchen with a cage and announces that they're catching a possum tonight! How many Biermanns does it take to set a possum trap? The answer is all of them, as they haphazardly set up the cage in the driveway and poke a bowl of dog food into the back of it with KJ's plastic bat. As she surveys the hilarious scene, Kim realizes her family has truly become the Beverly Hillbillies of Atlanta. As they check the trap and run screaming into the house, no description could ring more true for this bunch of Biermanns. Till next season, ya'll!