Don't Be Tardy has moved to Thursday nights to make way for the three-part RHONJ special Teresa Checks In. As such, my recaps of Kim, Kroy and the rest of the Biermann bunch will be posted on Sundays. Because of the move, we got two episodes this week! Though it makes sense that Bravo would choose to burn off this particular episode on its first new night, since it didn't do much to move the season's story along - though it sure was funny.
At the start of the episode, Kim is looking like a Greek goddess boss, but the house is in chaos - the dog won't stop barking in his cage, Kash's pants are falling down. When Kroy's off at work (a.k.a. playing in the NFL), Kim doesn't get a moment of peace or quiet. Shun the stylist arrives in the middle of the chaos sporting two giant belts around her neck and conversation turns to her lack of a love life. Kim the matchmaker wants to set Shun up on a date - even if she's not interested in dating, don't even worry, Kim can be interested for her. Shun's list of what she wants is a mile long though: tall, dark, tattoos, has his own business, can meet her in Paris for the weekend, but no athletes or rappers. Kim reminds her that Kroy ended up being the virtual opposite of everything she had on her list once upon a time. Ask, believe, receive but be realistic. Kim thinks she has the perfect man to fit Shun's list of requirements - her old trainer EJ. Reluctantly, Shun agrees to the plan and gives Kim permission to set her up with the hottie.
The next day, chef Tracey is out back grilling some organic chicken and Kim wants to know why she's trying to feed her like a bird. Tracey explains in her confessional that Kim likes to think she's health-conscious...if all the chocolate cake, ice cream and Ho-Hos in the world counted as "organic." Tracey decides to inform Kim of all the disgusting byproducts that happen to be in all her favorite foods. Disgusting meaning possum urine in lite butter and beaver anal secretions in ice cream. Umm what? Is this real? Kim is rightfully grossed out by this information and Tracey convinces her that if she really wants to control what she eats, she needs to start growing food herself. Now, Kim's clearly not the gardening type, but if it means her kids will be happier, healthier and possum piss-free, then she's game to try. The more important question is whether Botox comes from a plant, because if it does, we know what Kim's garden will be full of.
EJ the trainer agreed to go on the date but the only way Shun will go is if Kim and Kroy are there, so the couple agree to sit at a table across the restaurant to keep an eye on things via a secretly-planted Go Pro. Fingers crossed that this date will go better than Kim's vomit-inducing attempt to set up her former nanny Lana. "Chanel" is agreed upon as the date's code word - if Shun says it, she's ready to bail on the whole operation. With Kim and future CIA agent Kroy watching from afar, the date gets off to a rocky start when Shun whips out a confidentiality contract for EJ to sign. It's all adding up to Kim why Shun is single. However, as the date continues, she's not hearing any "Chanels" from Shun...maybe sparks are flying? With things looking good, Kim and Kroy leave, telling Shun to suck face with EJ. Maybe Kim made a match this time!
Next, Kim and Tracey visit a "hot as balls" farm to buy seeds and plants for their garden, but Kim doesn't understand why she would sweat out in the sun when she could just go buy some bananas at the store. I'm with you, Kim. After learning the basics of cross-pollinating via a metaphor about mixed-race babies, Kim and Tracey start loading up on blueberry bushes and strawberries. Tracey asks the gardening expert helping them about what kinds of fertilizer they should use to get the plants growing, and Kim can't believe the answer is chicken or horse manure. Even the organic food has piss and s*** on it? Why?? The gardening lady then takes them to feed some pigs and pick out eggs in the chicken coop. This farm experience is not remotely up Kim's alley. No she sure doesn't want to feed the chickens worms and prays for God to protect her Louis Vuitton shoes - all while cursing Tracey for bringing her to this infernal place. In her confessional, Kim (jokingly?) says that Tracey should stick to cooking, not telling her what's in her food. At this rate, Kim won't be eating anything.
Having brought their plants home, it's time to plant the garden. As she rides around on a miniature John Deere tractor, Kim reminds us that she does not work outside. The only reason she's planting this garden is for her kids. However, she's not jumping in to help until all the bugs leave. She gets so freaked out that she ends up thinking the tag on her shirt is a worm. Tracey and her harebrained idea is to blame for all of this. As they're planting the trees, Kim reminds Tracey that she doesn't usually mess with bushes. Only in Tracey's dreams, thank you very much. Once the crops are all planted, it's time to water them by making it rain. However, a delighted KJ eventually takes control of the hose and Kim bolts for the house. She's officially over this whole organic phase.
Later, Shun meets Kim and Kroy at Top Golf to hit some balls and grab some drinks. She informs them that she's not hanging out with EJ anymore - he was too young for her taste. Thankfully, Top Golf is full of older guys. Next to a nursing home, it's the best place Kim could've brought Shun to meet men. Kim attempting to hit the golf balls as her stilettos dig into the turf is pretty hilarious. There's nothing remotely athletic about our beloved Kim. As Kroy points out, she's no Serena Williams but she'll do her best in her heels. Scoping for guys, there's not a single man Shun finds attractive, minus their 17-year-old waiter. Oops. Kim's on a mission though, and she predicts Shun will be married within six months if she has anything to say about it. Good luck, matchmaker Kim. With Shun's long list of criteria, it may take that long just to find a single guy as an option.