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Real Housewives

Breaking Down The Bravos

Glenn Rowley

the-bravos

This week was the first-ever Bravos, an awards show celebrating all things pop culture in the Bravo universe. Joined by a parade of Housewives and other Bravolebrities on both coasts, Andy Cohen hosted an evening where none of the categories were boring and that no true fan of the network should've missed. For this week's feature, I break down my analysis of all the winners, as well as who I think got snubbed or robbed of their rightful awards. Read on for my two cents on all things Bravos...

Don't Call It A Comeback Award

bravo-award-teresa-giudice

Nominees:

  • Teresa Giudice - RHONJ
  • Stassi Schroeder - Vanderpump Rules
  • Craig Conover - Southern Charm
  • Shereè Whitfield - RHOA

Was there ever a question that anyone other than Teresa would win the Don't Call It a Comeback Award? I mean, please. The queen of RHONJ spent most of 2015 locked away at Danbury Federal Correctional Institution and her release was heralded as the return of the century in the Bravo universe. Tre is so critical to the success of the New Jersey franchise that the show shut down production while she was away, and didn't pick up for Season 7 until she was a free woman again. Now, Teresa is back and better than ever, and the new season of RHONJ looks to be its most promising yet. That being said, Stassi's humbling yet necessary return to SUR this season comes in a close second place...

The Bravo Bro Award

bravo-bro-award-jax-taylor

Nominees:

  • James Kennedy - Vanderpump Rules
  • Jax Taylor - Vanderpump Rules
  • Shep Rose - Southern Charm
  • Ben Robinson - Below Deck/Below Deck Mediterranean

Now, yes, I will concede that Jax is probably the biggest bro found in the Bravo universe and so, for that, he deserves the first-ever Bravo Bro Award. However, his brand of greasy, smarmy playboy has never sat particularly well with me. (There's a reason I haven't covered #PumpRules on THG yet.) For that reason, I voted pretty much daily for my beloved Sheppy to win big. Like he said on the recently concluded Southern Charm Season 3 reunion, there's a big difference between amorous and a misogynist. Shep respects women and never crosses that boundary (besides his rather unfortunate "DTF" confessional joke this season.) Jax, on the other hand, doesn't seem to respect much of anything. And how hilarious was Amy Philipps' pouty impression of James after losing to his number one nemesis in the SUR crew??

Most Socially Driven: Powered by Chevrolet Cruze

bravo-awards-kandi-burruss

Nominees:

  • Bethenny Frankel - RHONY
  • NeNe Leakes - RHOA
  • Kandi Burruss - RHOA
  • Scheana Shay - Vanderpump Rules

Inexplicably the sole award being sponsored by the all-new Chevy Cruze, Most Socially Driven is supposed to be awarded to the Bravolebrity with the most active presence on social media. I may not understand why exactly Kandi won (since I don't follow her as closely on social media), but I feel it needs to be pointed out that Bethenny was jipped out of this award solely on the strength of her hilarious Snapchat game alone. Everyone go follow her!

The Sorry Not Sorry Award

sorry-not-sorry-erika-girardi

Nominees:

  • Erika Girardi - RHOBH
  • Bethenny Frankel - RHONY
  • Tamra Judge - RHOC
  • Caroline Stanbury - Ladies of London

Sorry not sorry, I am overjoyed that Beverly Hills newbie Erika walked away with the award for giving the least amount of f--ks. (Sing it with me, "Not one! Zero! Zero! Zero! Done!") In just a single season on RHOBH, Erika has proven to be the Housewife the people needed, and I am here for it. With her glam squad and bevy of backup dancers in tow, she and her sexy, sassy alter ego were the runaway stars of Season 6 and had absolutely no tolerance for any kind of BS from her new friends and co-stars. I can't wait to see how many "sorry not sorry" moments Erika Jayne serves up during Season 7.

Wacha Award for Animal Excellence

bravo-awards-lisa-vanderpump-menagerie

Nominees:

  • Fredrik Eklund, - MDLNY
  • Carole Radziwill & Baby - RHONY
  • Lisa Vanderpump's Menagerie - RHOBH
  • Vida & Ziggy - Shahs of Sunset

LVP deserved this award, named after Andy Cohen's adorable pooch, solely for the size of her collection of animals alone. Her menagerie of dogs (including Giggy the Pomeranian and golden retriever Rumpy Pumpy) swans Hanky and Panky and mini-horses Diamonds and Rosé have turned Villa Rosa into a veritable zoo. To her credit as an animal activist, Lisa spent much of last season of RHOBH organizing a protest against the horrific Yulin Dog Meat Festival and has since launched Vanderpump Dogs, her very own nonprofit organization dedicated to championing the rights of our four-legged friends all around the world.

Biggest Bravoholic

biggest-bravoholic-michael-rapaport

Nominees:

  • Wendi McLendon-Covey
  • Jerry O'Connell
  • Michael Rapaport
  • Chrissy Teigen

As much as I love Michael Rapaport - and trust me, I adore him - Chrissy Teigen was ROBBED in the race for Biggest Bravoholic. Serving as a famous voice for Bravo addicts since as far back as I can remember, Chrissy is truly one of us and her Twitter feed proves it. Take a casual scroll to see her dedication for yourself. I mean, the woman didn't get asked to be a guest on WWHL's 1000th episode for nothing. That being said, Michael Rapaport is an absolute delight every time he shows up in the Clubhouse, and I love that he reps for all the guys out there who love all things Bravo. Hey Michael, where can I get a "Real Men Watch Real Housewives" t-shirt? Andy and all of the folks at ShopByBravo.com, please get on that ASAP...

Cutest Couple

cutest-couple-tom-sandoval-ariana-madix

Nominees:

  • Kandi Burruss & Todd Tucker - RHOA
  • Lauren Manzo & Vito Scalia - Manzo'd With Children
  • Tom Sandoval & Ariana Madix - Vanderpump Rules
  • Ryan Serhant & Emilia Bechrakis - MDLNY

Out of all the nominees, I suppose it makes the most sense that Tom and Ariana walked away with the title of Cutest Couple in the Bravoverse. There's a certain charm about the way they've emerged as a down-to-earth couple out of the incestuous stew known as the SUR staff of Vanderpump Rules. And I do have this weirdly sexual thing about Tom Sandoval and his hair. However, plenty of snubs in this category - from fellow SURvers Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney to RHOBH's Kyle Richards and Mauricio Umansky - could've easily beaten out the winning couple had they been up for the vote. Plus, you just know Luann de Lesseps is seething from her new penthouse on the Upper East Side that she and fiancé Tom D'Agostino weren't nominated...

Jumpsuit Achievement

khloe-kardashian-jumpsuit

Nominees:

  • Erika Girardi
  • Khloe Kardashian
  • NeNe Leakes
  • Kelly Ripa

It's a well-known fact that there's nothing Andy loves quite as much as a good jumpsuit, and Khloe surely rocked the one she wore while appearing on WWHL this year. However, this category contains what I consider the most glaring oversight in the entire awards show. How was Teresa Guidice not nominated for the iconic orange jumpsuit she wore in her very first appearance on WWHL following her release from prison? How?? Promoting her prison memoir, Turning the Tables, Teresa's jumpsuit was hilariously clever, outrageously chic and a big old middle finger to the powers that be that put her behind bars for a year. Never forget the orange jumpsuit, folks. 

The Queen of Shade

queen-of-shade-phaedra-parks

Nominees:

  • Gizelle Bryant - RHOP
  • Reza Farahan - Shahs of Sunset
  • Jeff Lewis - Flipping Out
  • Phaedra Parks - RHOA

With her endless trove of witty one-liners and cutting reunion jabs, Phaedra certainly has the long track record to justify being bestowed the Queen of Shade title. However, I would not have minded one bit if we'd seen Potomac standout Gizelle sneak in with a major upset. On the other hand, had either Reza or Jeff won, I would have been unreasonably upset. Keep trying, queens, but the Southern Belle known as "Shade-ra" wins.

Susan Lucci Award for Best Performance in a Reality Show

bravo-awards-patricia-altschul

Nominees:

  • Patricia Altschul - Southern Charm
  • Kristen Doute - Vanderpump Rules
  • Vicki Gunvalson - RHOC
  • Dorinda Medley - RHONY

How pumped was Andy to have his daytime soap icon Susan Lucci in the Clubhouse to present the award named in her honor? I wasn't surprised to see Southern Charm's queen of the kaftans take the award home. After all, she's basically the Bravo equivalent to Susan Lucci herself, and the show just came off its best season ever a few weeks ago. Plus, it was an excuse to finally get Patricia to leave her fancy Charleston estate and visit the Clubhouse for the very first time. However, I will argue to the death with anyone who differs that my beloved Dorinda Medley deserved this award more than any of the other nominees. After less than two seasons as a Housewife, it's hard to imagine a RHONY without Dorinda's love of dirty martinis, mafioso attitude and slurry subtitles when she's had one too many. How did we ever survive without her??

Biggest Hustle Moment

bravo-awards-jeff-lewis

Nominees:

  • Luis D. Ortiz - MDLNY
  • Jeff Lewis - Flipping Out
  • Asa Soltan Rahmati - Shahs of Sunset
  • Dr. Jackie Walters - Married to Medicine

Ok, so Jeff Lewis won. But that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. I've never been a fan of Jeff or Flipping Out as a whole, but in the wake of his bashing Heather Dubrow on WWHL last week, he's cemented his place on my list of Bravolebrities I actively dislike. And he wasn't wrong in his condescending acceptance speech: Asa should've been a shoo-in as the hardest-working Persian priestess out there. Girl, bye.

Giving Me Life Achievement Award

bravo-awards-mariah-carey

Special Awardee:

  • Mariah Carey

There's perhaps no one more fitting to be given the honor of the very first Giving Me Life Achievement Award than the Elusive Chanteuse, Miss Mariah Carey herself. Mimi's dual appearances on WWHL have been major pop culture moments, as well as the only instances in which Andy gladly gave up his Clubhouse throne. A diva in the truest sense of the word, Mariah represents all the glamour, drama and over-the-top fabulousness that The Bravos stand for, and her acceptance speech from a clearly green-screened shoe closet was just the cherry on top of the cake that was the first annual awards show for the network. My only question is this: when are this year's Real Housewives Awards??

What did you think of the first-ever Bravos? Do you agree with the winners or did you vote for other nominees? How right am I that Chrissy Teigen was robbed for Biggest Bravoholic? And does anyone out there dislike Jeff Lewis as much as I do? Let me know in the comments section below!