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Real Housewives

RHOC Ssn 10/Ep 9 - Swimming With Sharks

Glenn Rowley


We're back for a second week in paradise as the OC 'Wives whoop it up Tahitian-style! Or maybe that should be Moorean-style. Mo'orean? I've tried to do some research on the spelling but have come up empty-handed on a definitive answer. Any French Polynesian readers out there who can help me out? Not knowing will honestly drive me crazy. Well, apostrophe or not, I have to say that Housewives across the board have really outdone themselves on vacation this year. From RHOBH in Amsterdam and RHONY in the Turks and Caicos to this OC adventure in Tahiti, all the big cast trips of 2015 have been really fun to watch with equal parts antics, culture and plot. And this trip isn't even over yet! So, let's take a dive into the shark-infested waters the ladies found themselves in this week. 


We actually do start out in Tahiti, but only for a minute. On route to Moorea, Vicki's dry heaving, Meghan's getting on people's nerves and Shannon was up sick all night. As Tamra points out in her confessional, this vacation is off to a great start. After taking the giant fun ferry, the ladies arrive at their resort and are greeted with leis and a troupe of locals performing a traditional Polynesian dance. This vacation is finally underway. Vicki, Tamra and Heather are escorted to their bungalow huts on the water and the three vets are on a private cul-de-sac of tropical perfection. While Shannon's worrying about mosquitos over the water and fattening food in her bungalow, Tamra's ready to skinny-dip and she's not kidding. Next thing we know, Tammy Sue is topless and jumping into the crystal blue water with nothing but her hanky pankies on. That's one way to break in your new boobs. Meghan joins her for the swim, albeit slightly more covered up. Tamra tries to tempt her into going topless with the argument that they're technically in France, but Meghan's a proudly modest American. Thankfully, Fancy Pants calls the swimmers to dinner before any more nudity happens.

The ladies arrive for their first dinner in Moorea decked out in tropical colors with their hair pulled back and almost immediately their palates are challenged by the slimy scallops, mussels and too-rare meat. The funniest moment had to be Vicki sending her meat back to be cooked more right after she argued that this was a "pre-fixed" dinner, no menu shopping allowed. A close second place was Meghan complaining about how high maintenance these OC women are followed by her choking for air on her spicy food. Classic Housewives juxtaposition.


While the women are on vacation, Brooks has apparently gotten all the guys together for dinner back in the OC and eventually, the dinner conversation turns to his cancer treatment. Meghan asks Vicki if he's still doing chemo, but the OG explains that he has to decide this week whether to continue the treatments and is leaning towards ending them because he thinks the chemo will kill him. Before the cancer does?, Lizzie wisely asks. Tamra thinks Brooks should continue the chemotherapy, but Shannon points out in her confessional that it's not a decision of chemo or nothing. There are other, more holistic treatment paths, and Shannon thinks it's about time for Brooks to meet her doctors. Either way, Tamra points out in her interview that it's probably not a great decision to cease chemo treatment when you have Stage 3 cancer, particularly after only a few rounds. This is all rather ominous foreshadowing of the drama to come surrounding Brooks, Vicki and the cancer during the second half of the season.

Moving the topic away from her boyfriend, Vicki informs Lizzie that she has a present for her in the form of two different early detection pregnancy tests! After her admission that she might have a bun in the oven, Lizzie's eager to find out how much fun bussing she can handle on this trip. Retreating to the bathroom in Vicki's bungalow, Lizzie's peeing on a stick and Vicki is requiring a detailed play-by-play through the door. Eventually the results appear and...Lizzie's not pregnant! Time to sip some champs and get to partying!


The next morning, all the women are ready for an adventure, but only after Vicki deals with the 160 emails in her inbox. Even Vacation Shannon has emerged from her deathbed ready to rock. While waiting to be picked up by their boat, Meghan brings up her living situation again, saying in her interview that she's had to sacrifice seeing Jimmy's younger kids half the time by living in California. Vicki once again starts an argument about the definition of a mother by telling the newbie that it's different when they're, you know, actually your own kids and insists that Meghan doesn't really get it. But have you actually been a stepmom?, counters Meghan as she starts getting teary-eyed. Taken aback, Vicki rather harshly points out that there's nothing to cry about, Meghan just can't know what it feels like to be a mother until she has kids of her own. In her confessional, the OG claims that, being a newly-married stepmom, she finds Meghan's attitude disrespectful to moms - the thirty-year-old needs to find her place. In the midst of the escalating conversation, Meghan insists that it's a really personal issue and the other women simply don't know the complexities behind being a stepmom. She tearfully complains that she's constantly reminded that she doesn't have kids of her own, and sticks a giant foot in her mouth by saying she wishes she was their real mom. Yikes. But you're not, Tamra bluntly points out, which is followed by an uncomfortable beat. Thankfully, the boat finally shows up and the conversation gets swept under the rug. 

Personally, I think both sides of the argument are valid, and Vicki, Tamra and Meghan simply can't see the other side because each woman has never been a stepmom/biological mother. It's lose-lose for everyone with Vicki looking unnecessarily harsh and Meghan looking naively out of line. 


This crazy excursion Vicki has booked for the afternoon involves swimming with stingrays and "tiny" sharks. In the open ocean. No thank you. The local guide promises it's perfectly safe and that the sharks don't bite, but this does nothing to put the shrieking OG's mind at ease. When she put the activity together, Vicki assumed that the wild sea predators would be far away to look at, not right up close and personal. As Shannon puts it in her confessional, this isn't a stingray farm. They're actually going into the wild with stingrays who can kill the ladies with their tails. The rest of the women jump right in but Shannon and Vicki stay planted in the boar. How do you know they won't eat you? Also, are sharks mammals? Eventually, the heat wins out, prompting Shannon to get into the water, but not before Vicki frantically makes sure the Beadors have a life insurance policy. Vicki tentatively follows and only lasts about three seconds before she's screaming bloody murder clinging desperately to the guide with Shannon wrapped around her. I was ugly laughing at this point. Vicki Gunvalson, please never change. 

With that activity checked off the bucket list never to be done again, the ladies arrive back on land and head to a pizza place. While stuffing themselves with "bread and cheese and bread and cheese," Shannon calls home to find out that one of her twins managed to fracture her foot while TP'ing a house during their first sleepover. These are the kinds of things that happen when David is left in charge. However, Shannon claims in her interview that had she gotten this type of phone call a year ago, she would've ripped David's head off. However, the new and improved Beadors will handle a little setback like vandalism as a team. 


That night, the women split into two groups, with Heather, Meghan and Lizzie and her flower crown heading to the Moorea Beach Club for dinner and Vicki, Tamra and Shannon staying in at the hotel bar. According to Vicki, the whoop it up dream team has now been assembled and the three blondes manage to get completely plastered on the Moorean twist on fireball shots: straight whiskey with ice and a lemon circle as garnish. This was definitely a language barrier miscommunication, but it led to plenty of hilarity from the three as they kissed, laughed and chugged alcohol like they were back in college.


Meanwhile, the brunettes and Meghan are having a much deeper conversation at dinner as the newbie brings up the mothering conversation from earlier. Meghan feels slightly attacked, saying that Vicki never seems to address her kindly and admits to getting emotional around the other women. From her perspective, Vicki and Tamra are implying that her love for her stepkids will never be on par with their love for their biological kids, which is kind of how it's coming out. Ever the mediator, Heather sticks up for Tamra, explaining that it's a sensitive topic after her lengthy, ugly custody battle with Simon. Fancy Pants wisely points out that this is a battle Meghan will never win - Tamra will likely never even say "I see your point." Back at the hotel bar, Vicki claims to be confused by Meghan's point of view and Tamra agrees, saying that if Simon's girlfriend said the kinds of things that had come out of Meghan's mouth earlier, she would feed her to the sharks. The newbie's friendship with Heather also gets called into question by the veteran 'Wives and Shannon, who all find it odd for Fancy Pants to be friends with both Meghan and Jimmy's second wife Allison. According to Shannon, this is a huge violation of the girl code - you don't go hanging out with the new wife if you're friends with the ex-wife. (The girl code is popping up across the franchise this year...maybe Shannon will make a guest appearance on the remix of Countess Luann's new song?)

By the time Heather, Lizzie and Meghan arrive back at the hotel, the other three are completely wasted and have officially won the unofficial battle of which group can whoop it up more. Clearly these old women have been channeling their inner thirty-year-olds, Meghan snidely points out in her interview. The episode ends with Vicki, Tamra and Shannon fully clothed in the pool. Maybe they had one too many? Woo-hoo!