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Real Housewives

RHOC Ssn 10/Ep 13 - Sex, Lies and Leeches

Glenn Rowley

rhoc-sex-party

This week, the OC was all about sex, lies, cancer and...leeches? While Tamra and Eddie were busy launching their new sex tape-themed workout video for CUT Fitness, Heather and Terry were getting busy with a blood-sucking new beauty treatment. But first, the aftermath of the luncheon at the Dubrow Chateau...

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Last week's episode ended with a foreboding "To Be Continued..." and this week picks up right where we left off in the middle of Heather's disastrous luncheon. Emotions are running high for both Vicki and Meghan as the OG uses the "potty" excuse to retreat with Tamra and Shannon, effectively leaving Meghan in tears at the table. The rest of the women start jumping in to put out the fire - ever the good hostess, Heather makes sure Meghan's OK while Lizzie points out in her interview that it's time for the newbie to shut it. Fancy Pants also checks on Vicki and tries to explain where Meghan is coming from, but the OG doesn't want to hear it. In her confessional, Heather's quick to point out that Vicki's always been a mama bear when it comes to Brooks, but her reaction to the cancer conversation is over-the-top even for her. Vicki angrily exits the luncheon and takes the air out of the room with her. Strangely, after a small lull in the conversation, Tamra changes the subject to invite the ladies to a sex party for the release of the new CUT Fitness workout video. Umm...OK?

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The next day, Shannon pays a visit to Dr. Moon, her holistic Chinese energy medicine specialist. Last season, Shannon was visiting him three times a week, but since she's been so much healthier this year, she's on the full moon/new moon plan. Since the affair, she's tried to deal with things on her own, but is still doing muscle testing with Dr. Moon to work on how her emotions are affecting her physical body. The biggest constant emotion for Shannon? Resentment. To fix the problem, Dr. Moon recommends Shannon start doing the "angry eye" exercise to let go of all the built up anger inside. Is that a step up or a step down from having judgy eyes?

Feeling picked on after Heather's luncheon, Vicki retreats into family to have a date night with her son Michael at Settebello. Mike is so refreshing because even after 10 years on the show, he could really care less that his mom is a reality star. He cuts through the drama and histrionics with the most dry humor that never ceases to make me chuckle, and this scene is no exception. When Vicki starts throwing a pity party about how much she misses her mom, Michael wryly points out that passing away at 83 is a long, full life. I love that he refuses to play into his mom's hilarious tendency to make everything about her. Vicki complains that she feels like a (53-year-old) orphan, but says that when she dies Michael and Briana will be fine: she has lots of life insurance on herself.

Meanwhile, Tamra and Eddie are setting up for their sex party at the nightclub. After all the drama from the last get-together, Tamra wants to throw a fun, drama-free night for the ladies full of dildos, anal beads and sex swings. She's still trying to convince Vicki to come to the party, though. She's given all the women explicit instructions not to talk about Brooks or the cancer issue at the party for her bestie's sake. At the same time, Shannon is trying to rally enough to go to the event. Dealing with all her resentment has her wiped out. Talking through last week's very unhappy birthday with David, the Beadors try to put the whole mess behind them - each apologizing for not meeting the other's expectations. In her confessional, Shannon admits that she sometimes feels pressure to simply get over the affair, but feels entitled to take the time she needs to fully forgive and move on. After all, plenty of other people would have walked away from the marriage - particularly in the OC.

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The night of the sex party arrives and most of the women are dressed to the slutty nines: Tamra's rocking a lace catsuit with pasties for underwear, Meghan's in a studded bra and Shannon's donned a long, purple wig to unleash her inner whore. I'm also obviously happy to see Lizzie and sexy Christian arrive in, respectively, a white wig and a bowtie. If only he'd ditched the matching shirt...While Heather's wearing a more age-appropriate top and skirt, she and Terry have clearly gotten in on the fun: she's dragging him along on a leash. It's clear who plays the dom role in the Dubrow household! Vicki, meanwhile, seems to have missed the kinky memo, and arrives sans Brooks in a lacy white dress - vowing not to give little Meghan Edmonds the time of day. 

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Tamra and Eddie waste no time getting the party started with the premiere of their "sex tape," which is really a cheeky promo for their YouTube channel. Eddie's clearly not the greatest actor in the world, but the whole thing is funny and the women are at turns amused and horrified all the moaning and double entendres. I remember feeling similarly when the video was released on YouTube and I kept seeing "Tamra Judge Sex Tape!" all over my Twitter feed. The food at the party is served Samantha Jones-style, with fresh sushi on a naked model. I have to say, my absolute favorite part of this episode was Vicki staging an intervention with the naked sushi model: "does your mother know you're doing this? She would not be proud of you. I want you to put some clothes on and go to college." I was dying laughing at that. Never change Vicki Gunvalson, never change. 

heather-leeches

In the middle of all the dildos and black lights, Tamra brings up that she's thinking of getting baptized which is news to Eddie. (With her religious conversion and all the cash she's giving to Ryan, there seems to be a lot Tammy Sue isn't telling her hubby these days.) Tamra claims she didn't tell Eddie because he called her a "Jesus freak" the other day, but he sweetly promises to always support her in anything she does - including finding Jesus. In her confessional, Tamra also admits it was wrong to call Alexis "Jesus Jugs" a few seasons back, saying she shouldn't have insulted Jesus like that. Meanwhile, Heather pulls Vicki aside because blood happens to be leeching through her skirt. The reason? She and Terry did leech therapy skin treatments earlier in the day. Apparently, it's supposed to lighten and brighten your skin - it's Demi Moore's secret to looking 20 years old. However, Heather didn't account for the anti-coagulant enzyme that would cause her to bleed for up to 24 hours. The price of beauty, ladies and gents.

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Once the bloody emergency of Fancy Pants is taken care of, the drama moves back to Vicki and Meghan. Somehow in trying to kiss and make up, the pair go for round 2 of their fight, with Vicki calling the newbie crazy, evil and "not a nice person" and Meghan refusing to apologize for anything she's said. For some reason, Meghan feels the need to enlist her husband for support and drags him into the argument as well. Surprisingly, Jim ends up as the voice of reason - simultaneously supporting his wife and seeing Vicki's side. However, Vicki once again goes for the jugular, this time attacking the Edmonds' marriage and saying she feels sorry that Jimmy has to deal with Meghan every day. Meghan didn't start the drama, but can't resist getting a few shots in by accusing Vicki of being bird-brained and having blinders on when it comes to Brooks. Vicki then reiterates that she never asked Meghan for her opinion, her voice raising a few dozen octaves in the process. With a "bye, Felicia" she dismisses the newbie and continues to lambast Jim over his choice of bride.

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Vicki goes for the kill by telling Jimmy to talk to her in five years when he's divorced, and now the Edmonds are ready to leave this party. Jim's irritated at Meghan for getting him involved in her fight - he's made it very clear all season that he couldn't care less about the drama his wife gets herself into. In the limo on the way home, Jim tries telling his wife not to make this a bigger issue than it already, but Meghan's once again fired up. She's come to the conclusion that the OG of the OC is a con artist, and now nothing is going to get in the way of bringing her to justice. Because you know how much Meghan loves justice. (Apparently a lot.) I have a sinking feeling that this fight is far, far from over.