Well, we've reached the finish line of the never-ending Turks & Caicos trip. I don't say never-ending in a bad way, but my goodness, the vacation has spanned over four episodes for a five-day trip. It's like the producers used virtually every second of footage from the island, because it was all just that good. And tonight we finally got to Luann's line that's been teased so consistently since the trailer way back in March. Before we get to that though, let's back up to where we left off last week: The F.U. dinner at the Gansevoort Hotel.
Heather takes Dorinda on a one-on-one walk after the latter's drunken lashing out. Dorinda's so flustered by this point that she wants to rip her mic off RIGHT. NOW. Back at the table, Kristen chalks the meltdown up to the combination of too much alcohol and not enough sleep, while Sonja points the finger at Luann for starting the entire mess. Taken aback, the sloshed Countess demands to know what she did that was so aggressive. However, in her confessional, Sonja breaks it down for viewers: this is typical Luann behavior to "slither" into a situation, tee up the drama and then back away slowly watching the explosion. Ironically, this is Luann's iteration of how Ramona operates by dropping bombs and running for the hills. Yet even as she tries to defend herself, the Countess lets an f-bomb slip. As Heather's trying to get through to Dorinda, Ramona comes out of the bathroom and - having missed the entire exchange - doesn't understand why Dorinda is in tears. In typical Ramona fashion, she interrupts the conversation, thinking that Dorinda needs to get away from Heather, though it's precisely the opposite of what's going on. Naturally, this incites the mama bear in Heather, who orders Ramona away from the situation that has nothing to do with her. Once they're alone, Dorinda's still crying that she loves Heather on a pure level, but that "all this" is changing their relationship. It's interesting because the "all this" that Dorinda is referring to isn't the argument about f-words, but rather the experience of the show. Remember, the two 'Wives knew each other from the Berkshires, where they both vacationed and had spent time at each other's houses the summer before. Then Dorinda signed onto the show as the newbie and all hell essentially broke loose. With her guard down thanks to three too many martinis, Dorinda's expressing her fear that all the drama on the show is changing her relationship with her friend. It's a completely unfiltered, meta moment and I love it. Going back to the table, the issue between the two seems settled (for now), Carole and Heather decide to head back to the villa while the other ladies go out dancing into the night. Not my problem, Heather says, without knowing it's about to become a very big one for her.
Cue the next morning when Heather finds a naked man asleep in the room adjoining hers and Carole's. Apparently, the rest of the women brought the party back to the villa the night before, complete with blasting music and hooking up, and left one of the strangers to his own (naked) devices in the room formerly occupied by Bethenny. Heather and Carole are both rightfully freaked out by the situation and see it as a huge violation of privacy. With their room connected to naked man's (who somehow managed to avoid all the cameras), who knows what he could've been doing. Watching them sleep? Stealing their jewelry? Quick, Carole, find your wallet! Horrified, the BFFs rush downstairs for some answers and run smack into Dorinda, who's inexplicably wearing a cheetah-print swimsuit at 9 a.m. - on the staircase. Did she sleep in that one-piece? Accosted by the duo, Dorinda has no context for what's going on. She just woke up, doesn't have her contacts in and is nothing but confused by the situation, OK? According to Heather and Carole's reactions, you would've thought there was a body floating in the ocean, Dorinda says in her interview. She describes them as storming off on their manhunt, though I honestly doubt Carole Radziwill has ever stormed anywhere in her entire life.
Next thing we know, Radzi and Heather, who's getting more and more irate by the second, are in Ramonja's room demanding some answers. Half asleep, Ramona says she has no idea what the girls are screaming about, she didn't do anything and they need to go talk to Luann. In her interview, Ramona admits that she wasn't in the mood to engage in an argument so early in the morning, so she punted the problem over to Luann. Smooth move, Singer. By this point, Heather is worked up to the point of tears, horrified that her friends allowed an unidentified man sleep 20 yards from her and Carole. Now they're in Luann's room, waking her up from a very non-Countess-like sleep. Heather demands to know who the strange man was, but isn't getting answers from anyone. Ramona's blaming Luann, but both are claiming they don't know what's going on. Carole points out Travel Rule #27 in her interview: never leave your luggage or your men unattended. Not since the Gorga christening blowout has the word "unattended" caused so much drama in the Housewives universe.
Ms. Yummie Tummie is officially in rampage mode, calling Ramona's behavior "vile" and lashing out about her living in a "zone of irresponsibility." How would Ramona feel if this happened to Avery? Sonja, who's watching the circus from the sidelines, says in her interview that Heather's grasping at straws. Now fully awake, Luann comes out in a pair of sunglasses, underwear and a robe and is ready for a fight. She demands to know what the big deal is. They brought guys back to the house and had a good time, OK? You're upset and crying because a guy slept upstairs? Heather counters that yes, Luann, waking up to a naked stranger in the conjoining room scared her. Wouldn't that scare you too? No, not really, croaks the Countess, whose deep voice hasn't seemed to catch up to her now-awake body. Apparently Heather and Luann have very different morals and ethics. From her perspective, Luann is baffled by the dramatic hysterics, and tells her friend to calm down. After all, this isn't the cool Heather she usually knows, and all because she brought a couple of guys home. Carole interjects that Luann doesn't even know the name of her conquest. Luann's now getting defensive. It was David! Or John. Or maybe James. Either way, it's not a big deal. And here comes the epic line: "So be cool! Don't be all, like, uncool!" The Countess has spoken, peasants.
OK, got it, Heather exclaims. She sees how this works. The argument continues to go in circles with Carole and Heather taking the moral high ground about having naked strangers wandering the house and the Countess blaming Ramona and not seeing what the big deal is. Sonja hilariously points out that the mystery man in question came downstairs, drank a juice and took a swim before leaving, so he must have felt right at home. I normally have trouble with her, but Sonja was on a roll tonight. For some reason, Luann finds a reason to get equally as offended as the other women. Even if Ramona told them to come ask her, she says in her confessional, barging into her room was a "total utter violation of my privacy." What if she had been hanging naked from a chandelier with a man on her back? (Something I, nor Carole, ever want to see in reality). Heather tells Luann to go yell at Ramona then, who sent them to her room in the first place, and the Countess storms off to find the fake-sleeping Singer Stinger. So much storming in this episode...Heather's still in tears and Luann just can't believe that the BFFs could be so angry at them for having some island fun. Did Ramona know the guy went upstairs? According to her interview, she "doesn't divulge such things." Wink. Luann also scolds Ramona for throwing her under the bus when the man in question was apparently Ramona's fling to begin with. On top of that, she says, they're on vacation! Why is Heather being the judge and the jury?
As the argument continues between Heather and Luann for the umpteenth time, Kristen's outside doing some detective work by questioning the house manager. Apparently he didn't want the strangers in the house but the 'Wives insisted on bringing the party back to Bella Vita Villa. As the music was blasting, there was some making out happening on the deck, which Luann cops to. Then Kristen drops the bombshell: evidently, Luann's conquest was a married man! Sonja's retort? "Sh** happens!" and Luann again shrugs the whole thing off. How was she supposed to know her tonsil hockey buddy was married? I mean, I can think of a few ways, but I'll just let it go. The end of this argument isn't in sight, although Heather starts calming down eventually. As Carole wisely puts it, "finding a naked guy in your room is clearly a sign to go home." With that, the epic trip to the Turks and Caicos is over. The vacation was a 10 out of 10 on the Ramonacoaster scale and we're finally going back to the Big Apple.
Back in NYC, Carole's meeting with Bethenny to fill her in on everything that went down after the Skinnygirl left the island. Over coffee and orange juice, Carole regales B with the tale of Ramona's naked mystery man. At first, Bethenny's just happy someone brought a guy home because "what are we, the Golden Girls?" However, she understands Carole and Heather's side of the fight once she hears the whole story. Carole posits that Ramona wasn't in bed with the guy because she only wanted to play with him, not sleep next to him. After all, that's what Sonja is for. Bethenny points out that if Ramona had just copped to the situation, everyone would've been quiet about the subject. But, as she says in her interview, Ramona's "always pretending that there are no men, she didn't get her boobs done and she's a nun living in a monastery." No one's buying that story, Ramotional.
Cool Carole then recaps the F.U. dinner, declaring Dorinda the new blonde-haired, blue-eyed gangster in town after watching her unload on Heather. Doing a pretty hilarious imitation of Dorinda, Bethenny claims that when Dorinda gets going on the martini train, she gets sensitive and paranoid that people are saying something personally hurtful to her, and thus lashes out. It's a lovely side effect of the dirty martini. Speaking of the devil, Dorinda finally shows up late to the tea and gives Bethenny her side of the story, claiming that she felt the F.U. dinner turned into a soapbox moment with a side of preaching from Ms. Yummie Tummie. We also learn that Dorinda takes a nap every day at exactly 4 p.m. for exactly 45 minutes in a proper cotton nightgown or else she gets very cranky. Hey, me too, Dorinda. Me too. This napping habit is something more Americans need to adopt.
Eventually, the conversation turns to the upcoming Denim and Diamonds decorating party that Kristen is throwing. Having recently been at Bloomingdales to look at Heather's new line of Yummie denim, Kristen came up with the idea to throw a Denim and Diamonds event and auction the hand-designed jeans off for charity. While Kristen's the topic at hand, Bethenny informs the other two ladies that apparently the Pretty Girl is talking about her in the press, having been sent the articles by her publicist. Bethenny's confused, having taken the quotes to mean something negative, and yet Kristen's made it clear that she wants to be friendly with her. At the exact same time, all three women get a group text from Kristen asking to bring any spare hot glue guns, iron scissors or ice picks they may have on hand to the decorating party. Watch out, Kristen. Bethenny's ready to use the hot glue gun on your mouth for talking about her in the press, and if you answer back she's ready to use the ice pick. Break out your bedazzlers, girls!
That afternoon, Heather and Kristen are working off the pounds they gained on the island with trainer Michael Medrano, a.k.a. the Ninj. Carole shows up after the animal movements warm-up totally ready to take a break from all that exercise. I definitely subscribe to Carole's exercise philosophy: don't work out and nothing will hurt. Telling Kristen and Heather about her earlier tea with Bethenny and Dorinda, the latter's Gansevoort meltdown becomes the subject at hand. Heather explains that she doesn't like seeing Dorinda go off the rails, which she's now done more than once during filming. Heather guesses that Dorinda's life is out of balance, stuck in a triangle between her boyfriend and her daughter and still mourning the loss of her late husband. Carole diplomatically states that everyone came back from the trip a bit out of sorts, including Ramona, whom she's been texting. Carole's beef with the Ramonacoaster has now snowballed after Ramona's rude comments about Adam the hot chef over lunch at the Gansevoort. When Ramona feels she's being attacked, which she does constantly, her natural reaction is to lash out, which is exactly what she did about Carole's relationship that she knows nothing about. Carole then turns the conversation to Kristen, asking the Pretty Girl about her comments in the press. Explaining what she said, the quote comes across as well-meaning, if vaguely-worded and it's clear that Kristen was meaning something nice by it. Carole informs her that Bethenny may have taken it the other way, which sets the stage for another round of Bethenny vs. Kristen. Of course she took it the wrong way, Kristen says in her interview, I was the one who was quoted!
Finally, we arrive at the Denim and Diamonds decorating party, which is being hosted by Kristen at the apartment of a jeweler friend of Heather's. Not sure why the party couldn't take place at any of the eight Housewives' apartments, but OK. Kristen explains in her confessional that the event is part of her work with Smile Train, a charity organization that performs cleft surgeries for kids all over the world. It costs $250 to provide a single surgery, which just so happens to be the average price of a pair of jeans in NYC, so why not combine the two to sell some jeans, raise some money and help some kids? It's an awesome and creative idea for a good cause. Bethenny shows up after Heather and Kristen immediately notices the chilly reception she's given by the Skinnygirl. However, Kristen had the perfect opportunity to pull Bethenny aside and clear the air before everyone else arrived, and didn't take it for some reason.
The rest of the other women arrive one by one to start decorating jeans, and Luann reveals she hasn't spoken to Heather since the trip. Apparently the more she thinks about the situation, she manages to somehow convolute the entire thing into making it all about her as the wronged party. See, the Countess feels that Carole and Heather were somehow trying to catch her in the act, which honestly makes no sense whatsoever. As the 'Wives are breaking out the hot glue to decorate the jeans, Dorinda manages to glue the host's coasters to her pair, thinking they were accessories, while Luann and Bethenny are itching to have conversations with Heather and Kristen respectively. In her interview, B confesses that she doesn't like being fake (surprise) and that she'd rather write a check for the children than have to sit next to Kristen with a bedazzler and all this negative energy. Bethenny decides to confront the situation right at the table, telling Kristen not to talk about her in the press and explaining that she already has enemies doing that to her (a.k.a. her estranged husband?) Kristen tries to explain that she meant something nice by the quote but Bethenny doesn't want to hear it, especially if Kristen wants to be friends with her. Who said I wanted to be friends with you at this point? Kristen shoots back, and I kind of love this feisty side of her. Ramona tries to insert herself into the conversation, but Kristen promptly shuts her down. Bethenny accuses Kristen of adding gasoline to the fire that is currently her life and Kristen retorts, "should I have said it to someone in the press? No." That's all Bethenny needed to hear. And yet, she decides to pull Kristen into another part of the apartment to further belabor the point/clear the air.
Once away from the other ladies, B explains that she doesn't mean to come at Kristen like a dog with a bone. She knows full well that being so guarded has caused a problem with the group, but she just doesn't need any more gas put on the existing flames in her life. Back at the decorating table, Dorinda points out that poor Kristen can do nothing right when it comes to Bethenny, when she's merely trying to do no wrong. Heather nods in agreement, saying that unfortunately Kristen is coming off very blonde in this situation. In the other room, Kristen admits that when Josh opened the Daily News on Sunday and read her quote, she realized it might sound out of context. Bethenny counters that, right then and there, Kristen should have handled the article directly with her, rather than wait around for the story to get picked up a million other places while the tension builds between the two. Kristen's excuse is that she just doesn't feel the two have that type of relationship, where she could call the Skinnygirl up to talk out an impending problem. Which, to be fair, is probably true - Bethenny just got done reiterating for the umpteenth time this season how guarded she is. Right or wrong, Bethenny says she doesn't want any dirty energy between the two and she's all good. Issue dropped. In her interview, Kristen points out that this is the first time she's seen any type of vulnerability from Bethenny on a personal level, and even though they were arguing, she actually comes away from the conversation finally liking the B a little more.
Next up, Luann preps for a confrontation with Heather by getting advice from Dorinda, because she's done sitting around playing nice. Pulling Ms. Yummie Tummie into the same room the Kristen/Bethenny just took place, Luann starts by saying she's more than just angry, she is livid at her former friend. Bursting into her room military-style at 9 a.m. throwing out accusations was a serious violation. How dare Heather! The two argue back and forth and the Countess's decision to go on the offensive is just laughable. She wasn't the one who found a naked stranger in the bedroom attached to hers, so who exactly should be feeling violated Luann? Girl please. The conversation escalates as first Carole and then Dorinda jump into the fray about who's right and who's wrong and who broke the girl code. Carole's obviously sticking up for her BFF and Dorinda's taking Luann's side, while Sonja hilariously points out that the Ramonacoaster is getting away from a situation she started nearly unscathed. The naked man was Ramona's guy! She's the one who left him upstairs and then shifted the blame to Luann because she can't handle fighting in the morning hours. Why is she not taking any heat for it? Eventually, the fighting foursome realize this, and bring the issue back to Ramona, who admits that Heather was in the right and meekly apologizes for upsetting her. With her tail between her legs, no one can stay angry at the Apologizer for long. Heather declares that she's over the whole issue - she survived the naked man fiasco! Luann's still not quite done with Ramona and is still riled up and Heather and Carole for breaking the girl code, but eventually hugs it out with Heather and leaves. Meanwhile, Sonja just wants to know if the guy was hot because Carole said he had a small penis...Priorities.
For some reason, Dorinda remains determined to get in the middle of the naked man feud. She jumps out of her seat saying that Heather was frantic during the showdown and her emotions weren't intact. Which, let's face it, is kind of true, though an unnecessary point to make as the fight is being worked out. Heather reminds Dorinda that it's not her battle to fight, and doesn't understand why her friend feels the need to turn on her every time she's in a confrontation with another one of the 'Wives. Ms. Yummie even takes it a step further by accusing Dorinda of being the one who riled Luann up in the first place. The newbie claims that she sees both sides to the argument but Heather shoots back that this is a side of Dorinda she didn't know about (before filming). Of course, Dorinda throws it back in Heather's face that the two sides argument goes both ways and Dorinda doesn't recognize her either. Kristen thinks the whole thing is crazy and tries to diffuse the situation, but Dorinda's had enough and storms out, leaving Heather rolling her eyes. Looks like things between the two Berks buddies aren't quite copacetic yet, no matter what purity level they claim to love each other on.