OK, I have to be honest. After the exhausting reunion, the Brooks Tells All special and all the drama in the press surrounding it, I needed a little bit of a break from Orange County. I was so tired of the same issues going around and around in circles and being beaten way past death. I can't be the only one who felt that way. Did any of you? So, I know it's late but I finally got around to watching the final episode of the season - Secrets Revealed. After a few weeks away, it felt like a treat full of funny, unseen moments and as little of Brooks and the c-word as possible. This recap's better late than never, right?
We actually start out back at the reunion, but don't worry it's for a good reason. That reason being a package all about Shannon Beador working out at the gym. I'm not kidding you when I say I could watch Shannon in Tamra's booty class every single day for the next month and still laugh. Shannon Beador is all of us at the gym, people. Shannon explains that her preoccupation with losing weight came from all the stress eating she did once she found out about David's affair. However, after months of hitting the gym and questioning what was "mas gordo" at every restaurant in town, she's managed to lose most of the weight she wanted to. Woo hoo Shannon!
This leads somewhat naturally into a never-before-seen ladies lunch at Shannon's house, where she tricked all the 'Wives into eating a meal solely of plant-based foods disguised as meat. And hooray - we have a Lizzie Rovsek sighting! As the ladies munch on "beef" tacos, Heather informs the room that she recently had her vagina steamed because it's all the rage according to Gwyneth Paltrow. Apparently Terry went with her too and had his backside done, hemorrhoids and all. Wait what? Talk about polite conversation. Once Shannon spills the beans about what they're really eating for lunch, the topic of Brooks and his fake night sweats and fevers somehow gets dragged into the discussion and I'm officially over it. Next, please.
We're tortured with more reunion footage regarding Brooks and Vicki's unhealthy relationship. Briana claims her mom has some type of Stockholm Syndrome and fell in love with her abuser, which might sadly be true if certain things we've heard in the media over the years are legitimate. She also explains that Brooks was obsessed with Vicki, to the point where he had studied everything about her down to her drink order. Creepy. Vicki cops to the fact that she never saw Brooks' prescriptions or all of his medical records despite the story about the giant binder with all the tabs that she made him. At this point I don't even know what to believe but am past the point of caring. However, can we all please take a minute to laugh at Brooks trying to exit up the fake staircase at the Season 8 reunion?
In an unaired scene from the Tahiti trip, we see the women take an adventurous ride all over Moorea in a trio of two-seater roadsters. The best part of this was watching a clearly hungover Vicki try not to upchuck into Shannon's hat while in the passenger seat. The 'Wives even drive the buggies on a major road and miraculously manage to survive - eventually pulling over to take a group selfie. The roadster activity culminates in the women reaching a stunning lookout point in the jungle, with the dense green mountains and blue ocean magnificently spread out below them. It's a gorgeous sight but Vicki's ready to go back to the hotel and informs the ladies that she's called for a car with air conditioning to come pick them up. She's over this whole roadster idea - bring on the A/C!
In the next scene, Heather brings Tamra and Shannon along to shop for outrageously pricey doorknobs for all 70+ doors in her new house. Mind you this doesn't include all the sets of cabinets in her grandiose closet. I don't even want to do the math for that line item in the budget, but as Tamra says - that's a lot of facelifts. Meanwhile, Vicki goes to dinner with her boys - namely Brooks, her son Michael and her brother Billy. This scene was filmed right after the medium visit from episode 7 following the death of Vicki's mom, so that topic dominates the dinner conversation. In characteristic fashion, Michael calls B.S. on the whole idea of a medium, but Vicki wants to believe he somehow connected with her mom's spirit. Then, she naturally turns the whole discussion around to be about her impending death and what Michael's going to do with all of her stuff when she dies. Even though Vicki spent much of this season being villainized, the woman can make me laugh. Classic Vicki.
In more reunion footage, we finally get an answer to a question I've been wondering about all season: didn't Shannon know about the affair at the time of the Season 9 reunion? The answer is yes, David had confessed the affair three weeks after they had finished filming the season, so the Beadors were right in the middle of it when the reunion filmed. And yet, at that reunion, Shannon had claimed that they were "better than ever," having just come back from a Hawaiian getaway. She explained at the present reunion that, even though she knew about the affair, by the time last year's reunion taped, she and David were committed to staying together and fixing their relationship. And in case you were wondering, their sex life is incredibly "connected" nowadays. TMI, Shannon. TMI.
Next we're treated to a hilarious pair of scenes featuring Tamra/Shannon and Heather/Meghan shopping for toys at adult sex shops. Tamra and Shannon are picking out gift bag goodies for the sex party (pop rocks included), but based on what they're wearing Heather and Meghan are shopping either before or after the disastrous luncheon at Heather's construction site. I'm not sure how the sex toys fit into the narrative there, but it sure is funny to see Heather whip the Spanky's manager. As she explains in her confessional, people like to call her Fancy Pants, but Heather's seen a lot and even done a little. So there. However, I for one don't need to know what Tamra and Eddie are doing with that sex swing she bought...
The episode ends with a rather amusing clip of Meghan getting preventative botox at Terry's office. At 30, you wouldn't think the newbie needed any, but she's THAT worried about getting wrinkles. However, there's the small problem of Meghan being terrified of needles, so she's enlisted Heather for some moral support. With her hand in a death grip on Heather's poor fingers, Terry administers the botox to Meghan and it's kind of hilarious to watch her freak out. It's definitely a funny, silly way to end the Secrets Revealed special, as well as the roller coaster that has been Season 10 in Orange County.