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Real Housewives

RHOBH Ssn 6/Ep 3 - Horsing Around

Glenn Rowley

erika-bodysuit

Now that finals are officially over, I finally have time to recap this week's RHOBH. This week was crazy, you guys. Also crazy in the 90210. We started the episode with Kyle and Lisa goofing off on the Ponte Vecchio bridge in Florence. The pair are having a good time shopping in Italy, and pop into a boutique called Save the Queen to look for a dress for Kyle to wear to Nicky Hilton's wedding in London. In her interview, Kyle points out that she obviously doesn't feel wonderful about the wedding situation, but regardless of any family tension there's no way she's missing Nicky's walk down the aisle. For her part, Lisa wishes she hadn't brought the subject up, recognizing that it has to be hurtful for only half of Kyle's family to be invited. Lisa surmises that the situation leaves Kyle feeling torn between her husband and daughters and the Hiltons - an unenviable position for anyone. In her confessional, Lisa points out that she doesn't have sisters so she can't really understand the dynamic, but just hopes that everything will work out between Kyle and her sisters. And in the meantime, she'll buy matching dresses for her and her BFF.

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Back in the 90210, Lisa Rinna takes Amelia and Delilah Belle for manis and pedis. With this being the third episode in a row of Lisa showing off the girls, I suspect she's trying to position them as the next Gigi and Bella. Hmm...not sure how I feel about that. During the spa day, Delilah Belle spars with her mom over an 11:10 curfew and Lisa fills the girls in on her upcoming trip to Columbus, Ohio with Lisa Vanderpump to pick up Ken's mini-horse. Meanwhile, Eileen is at home running around like a frantic headless chicken while Vinny lounges on the couch. As she drives a sleepy Jesse to school, he's too engrossed in his phone to listen to her instructions for after-school pickup. Eileen doles out the nugget of wisdom that apparently men and boys can't hear a female voice. Having raised a house of all boys, I'd say my mom would probably give a hearty "AMEN" to that statement, Eileen. 

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With their fun in Florence having come to an end, Lisa and Ken are heading off to finish their vacation in Monte Carlo. They don't want to disturb Kyle and Mauricio, so they'll just see them back in Beverly Hills. To get to Monte Carlo, Lisa's friend has sent his helicopter to pick them up. Ken asks Lisa when she'll buy him his own chopper. Little does he know Lisa already has the party planning under way for his big 7-0, courtesy of Kevin "shi shi shi" Lee. As they head off into the sky, Lisa points out that she and Kyle have managed to fully rebuild their relationship, and all she can do is be a good friend and support Kyle through her issues with her family.

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Jumping back to California, Yolanda introduces us to Erika Girardi, the first new Housewife of the season, by taking her to a naturopathic doctor for some super fun vitamin C IVs. Yo explains that she met Erika nine years ago through their husbands, and have been friends ever since. She describes Erika as a woman with "lots of different colors" who owns every part of her personality. Color me intrigued...In her first interview, the 44-year-old newbie recalls that the first time she met Yolanda, the Dutch beauty was rocking a side pony and pumps - an outfit worthy of Erika christening Yo a "fierce bitch." With a world-famous lawyer for a husband, Erika also explains that she has access to the best that money can buy. Therefore, of course she looks good - what's she supposed to look like, a hag? The one thing Erika doesn't seem to enjoy is the IV. The next time Yolanda convinces her to be voluntarily stuck with a needle, it had better be for Botox.

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Lisa Rinna and Eileen meet for lunch wearing accidentally-matching leopard print. This is now the second time this has happened to Lisa Rinna on-camera after her lunch with Brandi last season. What can we do, the woman loves leopard. Though I have to say, Eileen in particular looked stunning in her va-va-voom dress. Back from Europe, Kyle joins the animalistic pair - thankfully wearing pink. After giving them the rundown on Nicky's magical wedding in London, conversation turns to Kim when Eileen asks what's going on with her. Kyle tries to quickly say that she's still in rehab and move the discussion along, but Eileen passes along the news that Kim somehow managed to escape or run away from her rehab facility.

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According to reports (from Reality Tea!) Kim went to her daughter's wedding in Mexico, got drunk, kicked a police officer and is now MIA. In her confessional, Lisa Rinna declares that Kim is "flat-out dangerous" and proclaims that her former co-star doesn't have the tools to successfully live in Beverly Hills alcohol-drenched society. Kyle naturally feels guilty having this conversation about Kim, explaining that engaging in the topic almost feels like a betrayal to her sister. And so, she effectively changes the subject with a smooth "What else girls?" Eileen recounts their visit to Yolanda last week and just how ill their friend seemed. Kyle points out that if no treatment seems to be working, Yolanda should think about being open to the idea that her illness could be something other than Lyme disease. Eileen agrees, saying that the disease seems very scary considering there doesn't appear to be any rhyme or reason to it. Kyle fills Lisa and Eileen in on the story she told Lisa V. in Italy about how she was sick for two years after her mom's death because of her depression. Whatever is actually going on with Yolanda, all three 'Wives agree that she is definitely suffering. 

The next morning, the two Lisas leave for Ohio at a bright and early 4:45 a.m. To keep the trip a surprise, Lisa Vanderpump told Ken they were taking a spa day in Ojai. Ohio, Ojai...close enough right? After jetting across the country in a private jet, the two Lisas don cowboy hats in the back of the limo, never mind that they're nowhere close to cowboy country. No sooner do they arrive than it starts to downpour in the Midwest. Is this a sign? Could this be a tornado??

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Next, we get even more of an introduction of Erika at her palatial, five-acre estate. She's been married to Tom Girardi, the nation's leading plaintiff's attorney - you may know him from the Erin Brockovich case, for 15 years. When they met, Erika was a broke cocktail waitress and Tom was her customer for over a year before she gave him her number and encouraged him to ask her out. With a startling 32 year age difference between them, Erika is used to naysayers calling her a gold-digger, but she's no "dumb-dumb" and knew the comments would be coming before she married Tom. According to Erika, being broke sucks and being rich is better, but if you were an a**hole poor, you'll be an a**hole rich. 

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Back in Ohio, by the time the Lisas arrive at the farm the weather has once again changed drastically, and thank goodness for that. Much to their delight, they meet Rosebud the mini-horse, who happens to be wearing a pink tutu! Immediately, Lisa Vanderpump is determined to have her and thinks Ken would just adore the little pony. While Lisa Rinna hilariously chases chickens around the yard, LVP bonds with Rosebud and notices a worrisome problem with her front foot - the poor pony looks like she's lame. Despite the owner's insistence otherwise, there's clearly something wrong with this horse and now Lisa doesn't know what to do. Yes, Rosebud would have a wonderful life in the Vanderpump-Todd home, but Lisa isn't sure she's even capable of taking care of a mini-horse with a problem already. After spilling the beans and consulting with Ken over the phone, Lisa decides to wait and have the vet look at the horse again before making a final decision. After five hours on the Ohio farm, Lisa Rinna is officially ready for a cocktail and Lisa V. wants to put this adventure-turned-nightmare behind her. Looks like Ohio was a bust. Usually the queen bee of Beverly Hills gets what she wants, so this turn of events must be a new sensation for her...

erika-jayne-rehearsal

In addition to Erika Girardi, we meet the newest Housewife's alter ego Erika Jayne, who happens to be a pop star with (count 'em) nine #1 singles on the Billboard Dance Chart. In her career, Erika Jayne has performed all over the world, but assures us that she has even more dance floors to conquer. That's definitely more of a music career than Countess Luann or Melissa Gorga can say they've had, and all before joining the Housewives! According to Erika, her alter ego is "classy, sassy, ass, heels and all woman all the time." After watching her music videos on VEVO, I can attest to the all woman part of that equation. The classy part I'm questioning after how many times I saw her dressed like a veritable hooker over the span of a few videos...but hey, she did a song with Flo Rida! During a rehearsal with choreographer Mikey Minden (of Pussycat Dolls fame), Erika Jayne dons a leather/latex/mesh bodysuit and practices choreography that goes something like "pat the puss, pat the puss, crawl kitty cat, meowwww" (that's word for word) as she explains that if she doesn't honor her inner bad girl she won't be happy.

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The next day, Ken's 70th birthday party has finally arrived and Lisa has organized a gorgeous English garden lunch to celebrate. Most of the 'Wives are in attendance - minus Yolanda and, obviously, Erika - and the dress code seems to be all-white with giant wide-brimmed hats provided by Lisa. The hostess predicts that trouble is about to enter the room right as, you guess it, former Housewife Taylor Armstrong walks in. Taylor announces that she's moving back to Beverly Hills! In fact, there's a house for sale right down the street from Lisa! Isn't that fun? Lisa furiously gulps her wine as she explains in her confessional that no, she would not like Taylor Armstrong as a neighbor thank you very much. Beverly Hills is fine, but LA would be an even better distance. Lisa Rinna arrives next with a pony on a stick and Taylor says something about how happy she is that someone with a bigger mouth has joined the clique, but I'm too distracted because QUEEN CAMILLE HAS ENTERED THE PARTY. Looking stunning as ever in her gorgeous pink hat, I might add. Kyle Richards may be my all-time favorite Housewife but everyone knows Camille Grammer is the holy grail of Beverly Hills Housewives.

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Meanwhile, Taylor senses a storm brewing, which is so typical for this group of women and right on cue it starts raining. Hello! Did Mother Nature miss the memo? Lisa Vanderpump called for sunshine and Lisa Vanderpump gets what she wants! First the pony disaster, now this. What is this world coming to? In spite of the rain, all the guests take their seats at the table as Ken gives a generous toast to everyone for helping him celebrate. And don't think I didn't notice that Kevin Lee managed to sneak his way onto the end of the table. While the first course of caviar is served, Taylor wastes no time stirring up trouble for camera time as she loudly questions what's going on with Yolanda. You see, this whole happy selfie/sick selfie pattern is really confusing to Taylor and she's trying to follow Yo on Instagram, but the whole needle in the arm situation is a bit much for she with the silicone lips. Seated next to her, Lisa Rinna attempts to defend Yolanda by saying that there has to be a reason for all the treatments she's doing, but Taylor insists that she smells a misdiagnosis. Via interview, Lisa Rinna points out that Taylor is definitely overstepping here and wonders why she's being so vocal about it. Either way, it makes Lisa uncomfortable. 

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Recognizing the need to shut Taylor up, Lisa Vanderpump stands and gives an amusing toast to Ken, promising that even though he's turning 70, he's sure to get a 69 later. (The look on poor Pandora's face at this exchange was nothing short of classic.) With the rainstorm picking up, the party moves under the cabana, where Kyle remarks that she feels like the women are a bunch of cackling hens at a tea party and she's officially bored. To liven things up, she dips her feet in the pool and proceeds to start a water fight with Eileen. Next thing we know, all the women and their white dresses end up in the pool and this proper English garden party has turned into a Wet and Wild special. Then out of nowhere, Taylor gay BFF Dwight decides it's a good idea to push Ken into the pool as well. As he goes under, everyone collectively holds their breath as they remember the birthday boy just had surgery to replace both hips...but he's totally fine and Eileen's just worried about his expensive shoes getting wet. As he's gloating in the pool surrounded by a gaggle of gorgeous Housewives, Lisa surmises that her love won't be forgetting his 70th birthday any time soon. Happy birthday Ken!

What was your first impression of Erika? Do you think she'll be a good addition to the group? Were you happy to see Taylor and Camille?